Tuesday, March 06, 2007

The 9 Drawbacks To Being An Evil Villain

1. Costumes never fit right
They are always tight around the crotch area. This is a problem for both the heroes and villains. In the old days they used to take time outs from fighting each other to adjust themselves. You just don’t find that kind of common courtesy anymore.

2. It’s hard to find decent help
Regardless of how many background checks you run, you will always be surrounded by inept fools. It doesn’t take much schooling to get a good job in the henchmen racket. The upside is they are all going to get killed anyways, so you don’t have to worry about any of them being around long enough to get on your nerves. The downside is that for the short time they are alive they will manage to screw up every key point of whichever evil plan you are using that day.

3. All the good themes are taken
Some of them are even done to death. Good luck trying to find anything original that is actually respectable. Animal and skull themes got played out 15 years ago. Go with anything too colorful and you run the risk of looking like a fairy. You could always search out an existing villain, kill him, and take over his identity, but that’s dirty. Even for a villain.

4. Shark tanks aren’t cheap
You will go through at least one of these every week, along with probably a laser and two or three space rockets. There is never a shortage of asshole heroes in this world that like nothing more than to sneak into your lair and break your stuff. Not cool.

5. It is hard to keep a relationship
Most of your girlfriends get killed; 90% of them will be by your own hand. It is hard to make anything long-term when you got the whole pesky business of world domination always lingering on your mind. Also, evil lairs are not exactly prime real estate for raising a family. You can’t call time out to discuss your evil plans with a spouse anyways.

6. Batman
One day he will find you and he will kick the holy living snot out of you. There is nothing you can do about this. Just accept it and move on.

7. Superheroes make the stupidest jokes
It is one thing to get cracked on, it is another to get cracked on by some geek wearing his underwear outside his pants as he kicks the crap out of you on top of a high rise building in front of the entire city. It embarrasses not only the offender but all those around. It almost makes you want to stop fighting and act like you don’t know the guy.
8. Every now and then, you’re forced to do something good
It is inevitable. Somewhere along the line you will be forced to spare some hero or save the life of some innocent bystander simply because it suits your plan better to keep them alive. I know, it sucks. Redeem yourself later by baking a fresh batch of kittens.

9. You never really win
It is always something. Either your guards weren’t watching the “abort” button or some idiot let the hero in the front door and gave him a key to the cellar full of ammunition. Don’t worry, he won’t kill you. He will just come in, break all your stuff, and call the cops. You will get away without a scratch but your plans will be foiled. “One day!” you will scream as you shake your fist. Get used to that.


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