Saturday, June 16, 2007

Evil Squirrel Brutalizes 3 Innocent Germans

Squirrel is Evil!Just when all seemed peaceful between man and beast, disaster arises in Germany as a sinister squirrel unleashes a furry frenzy on the defenseless populace.

Officials in Berlin reported an overly aggressive squirrel brutally savaging three people in a town before a 72-year-old man was able to bravely wield of its attacks with his wooden old-man cane.

The attacks began like so many others we have reported. An innocent 70-year-old lady sat quietly in her house, likely sewing or baking pie. Unbeknownst to her, a squirrel tenderly sneaked into her house, stalking her every move.

At the opportune moment, it sprung to life and before she could even react, it sank its teeth into her hand. Overwhelmed by the ferocity of the attack, the woman ran into the street, frantically trying to shake off the squirrel, according to police.

With the taste of human flesh fresh in its mouth, the squirrel continued its attacks. On a building site, a grizzled construction worker was simply tending to tasks in a building. With the blinding speed and raw power of an Olympian, reports indicate the squirrel leapt up onto the worker and attacked his arm. Shaken, and desperate, the construction worker lunged for a weapon -a measuring pole- and wielded it to try to ward the beast away from him.

Not phased after taking down two humans, the squirrel decided to go for the Hat Trick. He wanted a third victim.

Running on a 2-0 win streak versus humans, the squirrel spotted what he thought would be his next victim -a 72-year-old man- in a garden.

Not wasting a second, the squirrel lunged at the man and began its attack. A spokesman had this to say;

"...the squirrel went into the 72-year-old man's garden and massively attacked him on the arms, hand and thigh."

Somewhere, somehow, this man was able to overcome the initial injuries and reach for his cane, well, crutch and fight back against the squirrel. He reached deep and was able to deliver an ultimate dose of ownage in the name of mankind. The man managed to kill the squirrel with his crutch.

Make no mistake, however, that spring is just starting and with this squirrel now being a martyr, this is likely the first of a new string of animal attacks on humans.


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