Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Universal BBQ Ethics

The ten dictates of universal barbeque fun is a powerful tool, to be revered and respected by men and women worldwide. Deviation from said rules can result in a very unpleasant BBQ experience for hosts and guests alike. Please, pay reverence to what your eyes are about to witness. The happiness in your life, and good times, will be the reward.

The Ten BBQ Dictations

1. Garden Burgers: Garden Burgers are a condiment. While it is necessary to BUY garden burgers if you want to invite women to your cookout, one may never cook the garden burger on the grill unless an attractive woman has requested so and is within a five to six foot radius.

If said woman leaves to talk to a friend, feed the vegetable to the fire and say someone took it. Any bro' who asks for a garden burger gets excommunicated from your house for a month. Said criminal can make penance by doing multiple beer runs as allowed by law.

2. Marinade: Despite what you use to season your meat, the answer is always and invariably salt and pepper. You should not admit to having more than these two basic spices (even though you may have a cabinet full of others). If you are on a tight budget, Nadie Ice, Guinness, or Corona are all acceptable marinades and all male friends must praise your ingenuity for using such. A comment on the unique flavor beer provides is also in proper order. If you are high class, you may substitute liquor for beer.

3. Fire: The first thing one should do when going to a buddy’s BBQ is go to the patio and say "That's a good fire." The buddy will take pride and reply, "Yep." After this exchange, feel free to help yourself to any canned beer that your buddy owns. Make sure the beer doesn't belong to beer-miser roommates who are averse to sharing. If you notice the steaks need to be flipped, one may not say..."The meat is burning." That's called nagging. You say..."That's a really good fire." Your buddy will know to flip the meat and keep his pride at the same time. Have another beer.

BBQ Etiquette Proper BBQ Etiquette

4. Rotation: Always make sure you can flip steaks and Garden Burgers for girls with style. The key is the spatula. It must be able to do the job while letting you keep your distance so you won't...1. Smell like a smokehouse 2. Singe arm hair. 3. Easily flip meat that was consumed when the "fire got too good."

5. Greed: Never leave a bro' hanging. A proper cookout will have pool or coed volleyball going on. Don't get tempted by the bathing or jumping girls and leave your bro with a line full of hungry guys. Start taking food away and back inside after everyone has made a good two rounds.

6. Waistline: Remember that foods like potato chips, hamburgers, and hotdogs can really pack your waistline. One could opt to buy skinless chicken, replace the chips with fruits and veggies, and let the floodgates of water quench your guest's thirst. If your name isn’t Jack and you’re not staring at Suzanne Somers on the set of Three’s Company, the veggieque menu isn’t an option. If you find yourself losing the battle of the waistline bulge, make sure to buy both lean cuts of meat and also increase the amount of exercise you are getting.

7. Clothing: Under no circumstance may one dress in this manner. While it may be acceptable in some places or events, the answer is no at BBQ’s. Such clothing risks getting caught by the fire. Appropriate attire consists of a simple t-shirt, jeans, or even board shorts. Beyond this, one may wear an apron if he/she is able to grow a powerful man-beard.

8. Music: Under NO circumstance should the BBQ vibe be ruined by musical abominations like Smash Mouth and Milli-Vanilli. Be careful when dusting off those burnt 90's era mix-cds. If any abomination to music is present at your party, guests shall hold the rights to leave in a fury, say bad things about your horrid taste in music, and confiscate any beer from your premises. In some regions you may need to serve time for your poor taste.

9. Cleaning: The hardest part of throwing a good BBQ is cleaning the massive mess. Such Herculean tasks are hard to perform, especially when one is full of meat, tired, has beer in hand and is relaxing poolside.

If you are one with girlfriend, under no circumstance should you make the mistake of asking her to clean your BBQ mess. This brings the risk of incurring the slapping-effect or nagging, which well not let your steak digest well. Instead, employ the pre-asking technique on a friend.

Several days before your BBQ, make way to a friends house to “borrow” a small yet essential item, like perhaps an X-box controller or Ipod. As the BBQ winds down, your friend will try to make an early exit as to avoid cleaning. Simply walk up to your buddy and say “Hey, I have your Ipod. I’ll be able to get it back, once this mess is clean.” Make no real effort to clean until you see your friend start to gather loose plates and such. The wheels are now in motion.

10. Fun: The most important part of any outdoor event is having a good time. You’ll notice that in soda commercials as well as beer, the characters usually look like they are having a ridiculously good time. From these commercials you begin to associate good times with said product. Employ this technique to ensure that your house becomes the nucleus of social life.

The technique is simple. When throwing your first BBQ, make sure to have a high-quality digital camera on hand. Recruit a lazy roommate to take pictures by offering free food. Next, make sure to take note and point out any ridiculously beautiful people who come to your party. Make sure these people participate in games in the pool as well as volleyball. Get many pictures of you and the pretty people frolicking, splashing, and perhaps even canoodling.

You now have a permanent advertisement for your next party. People will say…”WOW! Lookit, it’s __insert your name here__ and some ridiculously hot people romping all over the place. This is what hangin’out with __insert your name here__means? I want in.” Congratulations, you are now a product association.

Follow these dictates, young Padawans, and your upcoming cookouts will overflow with guests.


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Anonymous said...

ROFL. Haha, awesome. The music one was kinda weak but the rest are spot on.

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